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Tuesday, 27 November 2012

#22: Twas the Night Before Christmas... at Santa's Ranch

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house… Santa, Rudolf and the team (of elves) were preparing for departure.

Saint Nicholas Heights, SantaVille, Greenland. Christmas Eve, 2012. 7:30pm.

SANTA: “OK boys, you know the drill by now. 907 million gifts in three hours. So that’s about 360 million homes. It’s gonna be tight, but we can do it.”

ELF E. LIVING (Chief Elf): “907? That’s gone up seven million from last year.”

SANTA: “Yes, we’re including Taiwan. I know the Yanks still class them as bridesmaids in the Call Yourself A Country? stakes, but about 90% of the crap we’re flying to kids tonight is made there… so they’re IN, dammit!”

ELF GARNETT (2nd in command): “Are you sure we’re gonna have time to stop for coffee in Burkina Faso, boss?

SANTA: “Well, the crew at Starbucks in Ouagadougou are getting up especially, so we’ll do our best.”

ELF CAIR (3rd IC): “Snow White’s on the phone for you, Guv. It’s about the back-up plan.”

SANTA: “I’ll take it on Line One. Hi SW, SN here… OK… Right… Yep… OK. Listen. I’m gonna have to love you & leave you; we haven’t packed the sleigh yet, and time’s time. Thanks for the update… oh, and give my love to Eric (the Huntsman).”

ELF STOOR (4th IC): “Are the Seven Dwarfs in?”

SANTA: “Bashful’s a maybe. Doc’s on call. Dopey hasn’t understood the request yet. Grumpy’s being talked round. Happy’s in. Sleepy, too – Snow White’s packed some ProPlus for him. And Sneezy has a cold, surprise surprise. But we have Benadryl.”

ELF MADDERS (5th IC): “I’ve just had a late fax from a Ryan Clark, aged 7, in Melbourne, Australia. He says he’s been a good boy this year, and has requested an Android tablet.”

SANTA: “An Android tablet? That sounds like an incontinence pill for a robot. What the hell does a seven-year-old boy want with that?”

To view the rest of this column, check out BC Johnny's upcoming book: Chilled Almonds.

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